Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
