Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
