um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
