...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I want to fling myself into the sun
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
