Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
