I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
