When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm both gender and math confused
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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