She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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