I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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