i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
