Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize