Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So much rum. So many feels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
