mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
