i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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