90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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