I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
