ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize