I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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