I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
