..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
