You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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