She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
