If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize