they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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