Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
