I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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