i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
