So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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