so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
