this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Still dying that you shit outside
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
