I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
