This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
