you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
