checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
