too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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