cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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