We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up under a house in Key West
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