is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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