Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
