I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
