Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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