The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
