Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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