Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
