One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
