dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
