I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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