sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
