Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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