im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
