All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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