70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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