On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize