ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
