tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
pray to the hookup gods
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize