im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
