it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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