What did we do last night that was yellow?
she pinky promised me she was 18
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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