The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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