when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
