Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
