We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
