I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
