I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
