Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
