did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
