The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
