How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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